Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Back to Basics
Ok, so what is the last thing you absolutely know you heard from God? The last few days I have been dragging my feet and couldn't get motivated to do the next step in this journey. I realized it was partly out of fear and partly because I had lost the vision that God had given me. I absolutely know that God said "Go". He doesn't always give us all the details, because if He did, we'd shrink back or stand in unbelief because it is so much more than we, in our humble human minds, could ever imagine would be possible. So, I have pulled my feet out of the muck and mire, the quicksand of my doubts and fears, and I am looking toward the vision God has shown me and I am running with abandon toward HIM! Keeping my eyes focused on Him as my prize and my joy, I press on to know Him!
Lay it on the altar
Way back at the beginning of this, I did not think that God would show me significant things in all 3 areas that I am praying about; I even doubted that He would. But He has.
I got some very raw "data" that I have only been willing to hear for the first time this morning and consider what the possibilities might be beyond what I know. As this is so new, so raw, I'm not ready to give specifics b/c this is not ready for perspective, for advice, for working through, or for action. I need to sit with this for a while, but I don't want to sit with it alone-too dangerous.
I need to lay something on the altar; to completely surrender it to the Lord; take my hands away and not think about how it might change or how things might be different. I can't hope for the future of this thing b/c in my mind and my heart I need to let it die in order to completely surrender it. It MUST go through the fire. If I hope for the future of this then I will be "shaping & molding" it verses allowing the Lord come in and TRULY do as He wishes. Even if it means that this thing won't exist when He is finished. That last thought is almost devastating to me-it impacts others, not just myself & that makes this process incredibly difficult.
The Lord told me to go back to what I believe-I know the very place, time & thing He is pointing to. I haven't done that quite yet, but when I do I am to ask myself the question: Do I believe God for these things, without my present circumstance & securities in place, Do I believe Him for them, unconditionally?? I wish that I cold say yes, but I'm realizing that I don't know if I fully trust the Lord. Aw-I can't believe this is an issue. . .
Just at the end of my dialogue with the Lord, a song came on. The words are, "You are God of the Heavens and God of the Earth; . . .You are God over what seems like happenstance, You are God over every circumstance. . ."
Will I lay it a on the altar, will I let it go, will I finally believe?
I got some very raw "data" that I have only been willing to hear for the first time this morning and consider what the possibilities might be beyond what I know. As this is so new, so raw, I'm not ready to give specifics b/c this is not ready for perspective, for advice, for working through, or for action. I need to sit with this for a while, but I don't want to sit with it alone-too dangerous.
I need to lay something on the altar; to completely surrender it to the Lord; take my hands away and not think about how it might change or how things might be different. I can't hope for the future of this thing b/c in my mind and my heart I need to let it die in order to completely surrender it. It MUST go through the fire. If I hope for the future of this then I will be "shaping & molding" it verses allowing the Lord come in and TRULY do as He wishes. Even if it means that this thing won't exist when He is finished. That last thought is almost devastating to me-it impacts others, not just myself & that makes this process incredibly difficult.
The Lord told me to go back to what I believe-I know the very place, time & thing He is pointing to. I haven't done that quite yet, but when I do I am to ask myself the question: Do I believe God for these things, without my present circumstance & securities in place, Do I believe Him for them, unconditionally?? I wish that I cold say yes, but I'm realizing that I don't know if I fully trust the Lord. Aw-I can't believe this is an issue. . .
Just at the end of my dialogue with the Lord, a song came on. The words are, "You are God of the Heavens and God of the Earth; . . .You are God over what seems like happenstance, You are God over every circumstance. . ."
Will I lay it a on the altar, will I let it go, will I finally believe?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Disconnected??
I read Tori's post which made me feel like I wasn't out in no mans land. I have been feeling very dissconnected lately. Partly is my fault because I don't want to be around people and I don't want to let people see my hurt and my junk. I am allowing the Lord to plow up the ground and it's not pretty in the begining. I guess I just feel at times lost or on the outside. I know that it's not that way it just feels like it. I guess we all have wilderness times and times of feeling no engaged in what is going on around us. I guess partly I just wanted to check in and make sure that is what is happening. I want to make sure I am not leaving myself out in the open alone. I have been putting on my armor everyday and as things come up I pray for you all. So in that I know I am still connected. Just not feeling it at the moment.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Testing time
God's dreams for me are so big, more than I can imagine. and yet I am so incredibly excited by the idea of being allowed to step into the manifestation of these dreams. I so want to do my part to be ready & prepared to be available to God. Psalm 139:23-24 (my paraphrase) Search me and know me Lord, know my heart, try me (test me to Your approval), know my thoughts and worries, see if there is any wicked way (show me so I can turn from it) in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Searching me is to show me who I am that is not lined up with You--the areas of my life that I have not faith in or conformed to Your character. Show me the wickedness in me. Put me through times of testing & trial so I can begin to understand and see these areas where I am not allowing You in. Show me where my heart really is and help me, through the trials, to line up more with You, so that I can follow You in the way, on the path, that You have designed for me.
It is humbling to realize that God desires to have each of us on His path and will search us and show us who we are if we will just allow Him to, if we will choose to let Him in and choose to let Him test our character so we can be conformed to Him. And He can fully use the gifts He has designed into each of us when we are fully committed to being conformed to His image, His character.
Lord, You are testing me and showing me who I am and areas of my life that are not conformed to You. It is not always easy or pleasant, pretty much never is, but I wouldn't miss it for the world. Continue to show me areas of my character that need refinement so I can be fully ready to do the work You have designed for me, can be fully conformed to Your character, Your image. Make me more like Jesus. Help "me" to decrease so YOU increase. I want nothing of "me" seen, only Your love & grace & mercy and character.
It is humbling to realize that God desires to have each of us on His path and will search us and show us who we are if we will just allow Him to, if we will choose to let Him in and choose to let Him test our character so we can be conformed to Him. And He can fully use the gifts He has designed into each of us when we are fully committed to being conformed to His image, His character.
Lord, You are testing me and showing me who I am and areas of my life that are not conformed to You. It is not always easy or pleasant, pretty much never is, but I wouldn't miss it for the world. Continue to show me areas of my character that need refinement so I can be fully ready to do the work You have designed for me, can be fully conformed to Your character, Your image. Make me more like Jesus. Help "me" to decrease so YOU increase. I want nothing of "me" seen, only Your love & grace & mercy and character.
Promises
Psalm 31:8 You have not handed me over to my enemies but have set me in a safe place.
Psalm 35:1&3 O Lord, oppose those who oppose me. Fight those who fight against me. Lift up your spear & javelin against those who pursue me. Let me hear you say, "I will give you victory!"
Psalm 44:7 You are the One who gives us victory over our enemies...
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge & strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.
Psalm 46:7 The Lord of Heaven's armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress.
Psalm 35:1&3 O Lord, oppose those who oppose me. Fight those who fight against me. Lift up your spear & javelin against those who pursue me. Let me hear you say, "I will give you victory!"
Psalm 44:7 You are the One who gives us victory over our enemies...
Psalm 46:1 God is our refuge & strength, always ready to help in times of trouble.
Psalm 46:7 The Lord of Heaven's armies is here among us; the God of Israel is our fortress.
Monday, March 23, 2009
New Day
On Sunday I started my 21 days of a different shift in my fasting. I was so over whelmed by God because just before I started this he gave me a freedom and a peace. I am in a place of wanting him to dig around in my heart and show me what am I holding onto? What lies do I believe? He had already begun showing me. I realized that I have been taught all my life not to share the truth. I learned how to be open and honest from being at New Hope. When I am not open and honest I am not myself. If I keep things bottled up Satan can use that stuff to play in my head. That sin eats at me and destroys things around me. I realized I was taught this growing up as we are not to let others know our problems.
The one thing that I feel God is opening up for me is that I don't view myself of having value. In my head I know I am valuable. I know that King Jesus calls me daughter but I don't look at myself has being worthy. I am always amazed when God finds me and I cry out and he helps me. I should always be grateful but I shouldn't be so shocked that he provides for me. I am happy a lot of the time to settle for the scraps. I am ok with taking what is given to me. This is just the start of some of the things the Lord is showing me. I am going to just take these 21 days and be with the Lord. Let him search me and open my heart up. I feel I have a old lie that I believe or God wants to upgrade my heart to a different level of who he is.
I am so right with Kristi as I think of all that the Lord endured before he died. I am seeing a new love in what he did for us. I also keep thinking Joy comes in the Morning. That 3rd day God had victory over death and Sin. His Joy came after the pain!! The small price we pay will bring much joy from the Lord. Peace flows like a river and joy comes in the Morning. The dawn of a new day. I pray that we each find the dawn of a new day. Count the cost and engage the Lord. Standing with you.....
The one thing that I feel God is opening up for me is that I don't view myself of having value. In my head I know I am valuable. I know that King Jesus calls me daughter but I don't look at myself has being worthy. I am always amazed when God finds me and I cry out and he helps me. I should always be grateful but I shouldn't be so shocked that he provides for me. I am happy a lot of the time to settle for the scraps. I am ok with taking what is given to me. This is just the start of some of the things the Lord is showing me. I am going to just take these 21 days and be with the Lord. Let him search me and open my heart up. I feel I have a old lie that I believe or God wants to upgrade my heart to a different level of who he is.
I am so right with Kristi as I think of all that the Lord endured before he died. I am seeing a new love in what he did for us. I also keep thinking Joy comes in the Morning. That 3rd day God had victory over death and Sin. His Joy came after the pain!! The small price we pay will bring much joy from the Lord. Peace flows like a river and joy comes in the Morning. The dawn of a new day. I pray that we each find the dawn of a new day. Count the cost and engage the Lord. Standing with you.....
It's unconditional...
I'm entering this week with a fresh realization of my need for the Lord and a renewed commitment to this fast-a time I've set apart and committed to seeking more of Him. Last week I gave into my own wants, my own desires, & broke my fast and my commitment to the Lord numerous times. I came to the harsh realization that this is a sin for me. If it hadn't have been for Denisha :-) I would have continued justifying my sin and making it ok in my own mind. I'm so very appreciative, in yet one more way, for going through this together. The reasons I am fasting are worth this small sacrifice, the ultimate reason being that I'm seeking more of the Lord-I needed to get my perspective realigned correctly. He is worth so much more than this-I hate how easily I give in.
In my time of confessing this to the Lord and repenting, I am again amazed at His love. I think it would be easier if He would chastise me. I've experienced a new level of this love-His forgiveness. After what seemed like such a good week of moving forward with Bri, she hit a new low yesterday. Initially I wanted to give up on her & I even "wanted" to hate her (being very, very real here) and yet there is no way that I could bring myself to that. Even in my imperfect love for her the only thing that I can do is to continue wanting the best for her. If this absolutely imperfect mother with imperfect love can keep hoping, keep praying, keep loving, how much more is the love of our Lord for us. I've thought about what Jesus endured physically leading up to His crucifixion and why He offered to go through all that He did. He did it because of His love for us. I've known this in my head, but have experienced it to a new degree with our daughter. I'm not saying it is the same thing, just that I think I get it at a new level that makes my understanding real. Before my perspective has always been me/us receiving this from Him. I think I've experienced this now in not only receiving, but in giving it unconditionally. It is so painful.
I've finally looked up some things about Lent-it was helpful to me and refreshing in that it helped me to renew my commitment to Jesus. I'm posting a link to a "radio retreat" that has messages for the 6 Sundays leading up to Easter centered on the purpose of Lent. I admire the Catholic's commitment to discipline. I want to marry a new level of discipline to my heart for the Lord... http://www.franciscanradio.org/Retreats/Lent/archive.asp?lang=en&cycle=B
I'm praying for all of us this morning.
Philipians 3:12-14 I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done. (CEV)
In my time of confessing this to the Lord and repenting, I am again amazed at His love. I think it would be easier if He would chastise me. I've experienced a new level of this love-His forgiveness. After what seemed like such a good week of moving forward with Bri, she hit a new low yesterday. Initially I wanted to give up on her & I even "wanted" to hate her (being very, very real here) and yet there is no way that I could bring myself to that. Even in my imperfect love for her the only thing that I can do is to continue wanting the best for her. If this absolutely imperfect mother with imperfect love can keep hoping, keep praying, keep loving, how much more is the love of our Lord for us. I've thought about what Jesus endured physically leading up to His crucifixion and why He offered to go through all that He did. He did it because of His love for us. I've known this in my head, but have experienced it to a new degree with our daughter. I'm not saying it is the same thing, just that I think I get it at a new level that makes my understanding real. Before my perspective has always been me/us receiving this from Him. I think I've experienced this now in not only receiving, but in giving it unconditionally. It is so painful.
I've finally looked up some things about Lent-it was helpful to me and refreshing in that it helped me to renew my commitment to Jesus. I'm posting a link to a "radio retreat" that has messages for the 6 Sundays leading up to Easter centered on the purpose of Lent. I admire the Catholic's commitment to discipline. I want to marry a new level of discipline to my heart for the Lord... http://www.franciscanradio.org/Retreats/Lent/archive.asp?lang=en&cycle=B
I'm praying for all of us this morning.
Philipians 3:12-14 I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done. (CEV)
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