I'm entering this week with a fresh realization of my need for the Lord and a renewed commitment to this fast-a time I've set apart and committed to seeking more of Him. Last week I gave into my own wants, my own desires, & broke my fast and my commitment to the Lord numerous times. I came to the harsh realization that this is a sin for me. If it hadn't have been for Denisha :-) I would have continued justifying my sin and making it ok in my own mind. I'm so very appreciative, in yet one more way, for going through this together. The reasons I am fasting are worth this small sacrifice, the ultimate reason being that I'm seeking more of the Lord-I needed to get my perspective realigned correctly. He is worth so much more than this-I hate how easily I give in.
In my time of confessing this to the Lord and repenting, I am again amazed at His love. I think it would be easier if He would chastise me. I've experienced a new level of this love-His forgiveness. After what seemed like such a good week of moving forward with Bri, she hit a new low yesterday. Initially I wanted to give up on her & I even "wanted" to hate her (being very, very real here) and yet there is no way that I could bring myself to that. Even in my imperfect love for her the only thing that I can do is to continue wanting the best for her. If this absolutely imperfect mother with imperfect love can keep hoping, keep praying, keep loving, how much more is the love of our Lord for us. I've thought about what Jesus endured physically leading up to His crucifixion and why He offered to go through all that He did. He did it because of His love for us. I've known this in my head, but have experienced it to a new degree with our daughter. I'm not saying it is the same thing, just that I think I get it at a new level that makes my understanding real. Before my perspective has always been me/us receiving this from Him. I think I've experienced this now in not only receiving, but in giving it unconditionally. It is so painful.
I've finally looked up some things about Lent-it was helpful to me and refreshing in that it helped me to renew my commitment to Jesus. I'm posting a link to a "radio retreat" that has messages for the 6 Sundays leading up to Easter centered on the purpose of Lent. I admire the Catholic's commitment to discipline. I want to marry a new level of discipline to my heart for the Lord... http://www.franciscanradio.org/Retreats/Lent/archive.asp?lang=en&cycle=B
I'm praying for all of us this morning.
Philipians 3:12-14 I have not yet reached my goal, and I am not perfect. But Christ has taken hold of me. So I keep on running and struggling to take hold of the prize. My friends, I don't feel that I have already arrived. But I forget what is behind, and I struggle for what is ahead. I run toward the goal, so that I can win the prize of being called to heaven. This is the prize that God offers because of what Christ Jesus has done. (CEV)
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I love that verse. I think the Lord is asking us to run this race with him. He invited us because he feels we are worthy. We aren't done yet so lets finish well!!
ReplyDeleteIt is so very hard when it comes to our kids. We are "responsible" for them for many many years. Sometimes I wish they didn't have their own choices and I could just control everything for them, like I did when they were young. I know that reaction is out of fear and wanting to protect them. I think being parents is the only relationship where we get to understand the Father's heart in dealing with us and how hard it must be for Him when in our foolishness, we think we know better. It is heartbreaking rawness...very painful...It is also hard to raise these youngins only to have to let them go in a world that will try to kill and hurt them, knowing they are not ready...the hardest part is then turning them over to our own Father and trusting Him to honor the promises He has made to us regarding our children regardless of what the children choose. It is so hard to believe that He loves them more than us. We say the words, but to walk in that belief is a different thing. Plus, it is hard to watch them have to reap some choices they make, still trusting that God has them.
ReplyDeleteI'm sure nothing I'm saying is helping and I'm just pointing out the obvious...but I guess I'm trying to say I understand and have walked there...not the exact same place, but some of the same emotions/thoughts. Just one more area to totally abandon to Him. He is trustworthy and He does love her more and He has her in His hand. Hang in there my friend. Denisha