in one of my previous posts, i wrote about letting go of something that needed to be released.
i wanted to get a little more specific about that today, because as i reflect on the process that has brought me to this moment, i am reminded how all of you have impacted me, especially during the fast and through this blog.
a couple of months ago keith asked people to stand up if they were "all in". i couldn't do it. i really wanted to, but i knew if i stood up, it wouldn't be genuine for me because i was still holding onto something that needed to be released to God.
recently i found myself asking, "why am i placing my trust and my need for approval in the hands of humans and not in God's hands?" and i remembered a verse…the Lord is the stronghold of my life- of whom shall i be afraid?
by selfishly holding onto this, i'm preventing God from using it to help others. and if i continue to keep it to myself, how is that glorifying His name??
so this sunday i'm going to be sharing my testimony. i'm releasing it.
i can't say i'm feeling 100% confident about it. i keep thinking, "why in the WORLD am i going to get up in front of the church and willingly talk about the worst part of my life, the absolute WORST part of me?"
and then i remember back about 3 years ago when someone else willingly got up and shared her testimony, and how much it affected me. i was blown away by her courage and candor. it was so powerful, and it also set off a series of events that ultimately brought me right here to this moment. God is so good. He is the great orchestrator and connector of all things.
sometimes i can't believe that He has taken the very worst of me and is now using it for good.
Friday, April 17, 2009
Wednesday, April 8, 2009
Refection and Change
I thought about this time of fasting and what feels different, what has been hard, what do I see in me and in others, and just generally listening. I am in awe of God and his goodness. I feel like he has shown a light on me and somethings. I realized that we don't change unless we are uncomfortable with life. Not that it's bad but when we get in the mode of "If it isn't broke don't fix it!!" We tend to stay in one spot or we think life is horrible and we can't do anything to change it so why bother. The Lord has been really been making me face my fears and seeing that I operate a lot out of fear. Fear is not from God! I let fear control my choice or my decisions. Every time I come against something that makes me fearful I hear him say face your fear. I think God is with me so why am I so afraid? What have have seen is that even when things don't look the way I think they should or even when I have to suffer consequences I can do it with the confidence of the Lord. It works out the way it should and I don't have to control it or be afraid of it. God has not given me a spirit of fear but one of might and power. I see I have limits and it's ok to know my limits and say I am not good at that. That isn't what I am to do. It also gives me freedom to say no. To stand up for me and say I can't be what you are asking or do what you are needing. It means no more than I have a limit. I haven't done this perfectly but I am becoming more aware as I go. I can trust God and he leads me hmmmmm imagine that!
As I come to the end of this fast I am looking forward to a celebration. I am becoming a new person. I have a new prospective of life. I want to celebrate what God has done and will keep doing in me. I have been reading a lot about the death and resurrection. I keep hearing the scripture about all the old is past away and I am new creation in the Lord. My old self is passing and I have had to morn that. I am becoming a new and I will celebrate that come Sunday.
I have also seen that God has raised the bar with all of us. Called us to more then we have ever had or done before. We need him in order to accomplish this. We need more of him and less of us. Some of us needed big change and growth so it requires more cost. Even in that struggle of can I do this? Can I give up what you are asking? Can I trust you with ....` If we can or can not God loves us the same. We just don't get all that he is wanting for us right now. He is showing us he wants to give us more because we have asked. Because he loves us and wants to give us more of himself and what he has. He is calling us ladies to come and dance with him. We are his affections.
Honored to be walking with you
I thought about this time of fasting and what feels different, what has been hard, what do I see in me and in others, and just generally listening. I am in awe of God and his goodness. I feel like he has shown a light on me and somethings. I realized that we don't change unless we are uncomfortable with life. Not that it's bad but when we get in the mode of "If it isn't broke don't fix it!!" We tend to stay in one spot or we think life is horrible and we can't do anything to change it so why bother. The Lord has been really been making me face my fears and seeing that I operate a lot out of fear. Fear is not from God! I let fear control my choice or my decisions. Every time I come against something that makes me fearful I hear him say face your fear. I think God is with me so why am I so afraid? What have have seen is that even when things don't look the way I think they should or even when I have to suffer consequences I can do it with the confidence of the Lord. It works out the way it should and I don't have to control it or be afraid of it. God has not given me a spirit of fear but one of might and power. I see I have limits and it's ok to know my limits and say I am not good at that. That isn't what I am to do. It also gives me freedom to say no. To stand up for me and say I can't be what you are asking or do what you are needing. It means no more than I have a limit. I haven't done this perfectly but I am becoming more aware as I go. I can trust God and he leads me hmmmmm imagine that!
As I come to the end of this fast I am looking forward to a celebration. I am becoming a new person. I have a new prospective of life. I want to celebrate what God has done and will keep doing in me. I have been reading a lot about the death and resurrection. I keep hearing the scripture about all the old is past away and I am new creation in the Lord. My old self is passing and I have had to morn that. I am becoming a new and I will celebrate that come Sunday.
I have also seen that God has raised the bar with all of us. Called us to more then we have ever had or done before. We need him in order to accomplish this. We need more of him and less of us. Some of us needed big change and growth so it requires more cost. Even in that struggle of can I do this? Can I give up what you are asking? Can I trust you with ....` If we can or can not God loves us the same. We just don't get all that he is wanting for us right now. He is showing us he wants to give us more because we have asked. Because he loves us and wants to give us more of himself and what he has. He is calling us ladies to come and dance with him. We are his affections.
Honored to be walking with you
Thursday, April 2, 2009
Dreams and such...
AWW-thank you my friends. And I stand today-this moment and link my shield with yours. I'm going to do some "worship warfare" on behalf of each one of us and pray specific things that we all have shared. I'm so honored to be able to do this-and thank God for giving the opportunity.
This morning I had a dream in the unconscious moments just before waking. It was very real, very 'present' and was bold enough that it got my attention. The Lord intended to speak to me.
I took some time to look at the emotions stirred up by the dream and looked at some of the symbolism. Before and during, I prayed, asking the Lord to make clear what He was showing me. To say that I was surprised at what I discovered is an understatement. He was very sweet and He spoke very clearly. It was a powerful affirmation of the sacrifice I need to lay on the altar. No more direction, no more clarity, just affirmation. So, He has my attention and I am still listening.
This morning I had a dream in the unconscious moments just before waking. It was very real, very 'present' and was bold enough that it got my attention. The Lord intended to speak to me.
I took some time to look at the emotions stirred up by the dream and looked at some of the symbolism. Before and during, I prayed, asking the Lord to make clear what He was showing me. To say that I was surprised at what I discovered is an understatement. He was very sweet and He spoke very clearly. It was a powerful affirmation of the sacrifice I need to lay on the altar. No more direction, no more clarity, just affirmation. So, He has my attention and I am still listening.
Tuesday, March 31, 2009
Back to Basics
Ok, so what is the last thing you absolutely know you heard from God? The last few days I have been dragging my feet and couldn't get motivated to do the next step in this journey. I realized it was partly out of fear and partly because I had lost the vision that God had given me. I absolutely know that God said "Go". He doesn't always give us all the details, because if He did, we'd shrink back or stand in unbelief because it is so much more than we, in our humble human minds, could ever imagine would be possible. So, I have pulled my feet out of the muck and mire, the quicksand of my doubts and fears, and I am looking toward the vision God has shown me and I am running with abandon toward HIM! Keeping my eyes focused on Him as my prize and my joy, I press on to know Him!
Lay it on the altar
Way back at the beginning of this, I did not think that God would show me significant things in all 3 areas that I am praying about; I even doubted that He would. But He has.
I got some very raw "data" that I have only been willing to hear for the first time this morning and consider what the possibilities might be beyond what I know. As this is so new, so raw, I'm not ready to give specifics b/c this is not ready for perspective, for advice, for working through, or for action. I need to sit with this for a while, but I don't want to sit with it alone-too dangerous.
I need to lay something on the altar; to completely surrender it to the Lord; take my hands away and not think about how it might change or how things might be different. I can't hope for the future of this thing b/c in my mind and my heart I need to let it die in order to completely surrender it. It MUST go through the fire. If I hope for the future of this then I will be "shaping & molding" it verses allowing the Lord come in and TRULY do as He wishes. Even if it means that this thing won't exist when He is finished. That last thought is almost devastating to me-it impacts others, not just myself & that makes this process incredibly difficult.
The Lord told me to go back to what I believe-I know the very place, time & thing He is pointing to. I haven't done that quite yet, but when I do I am to ask myself the question: Do I believe God for these things, without my present circumstance & securities in place, Do I believe Him for them, unconditionally?? I wish that I cold say yes, but I'm realizing that I don't know if I fully trust the Lord. Aw-I can't believe this is an issue. . .
Just at the end of my dialogue with the Lord, a song came on. The words are, "You are God of the Heavens and God of the Earth; . . .You are God over what seems like happenstance, You are God over every circumstance. . ."
Will I lay it a on the altar, will I let it go, will I finally believe?
I got some very raw "data" that I have only been willing to hear for the first time this morning and consider what the possibilities might be beyond what I know. As this is so new, so raw, I'm not ready to give specifics b/c this is not ready for perspective, for advice, for working through, or for action. I need to sit with this for a while, but I don't want to sit with it alone-too dangerous.
I need to lay something on the altar; to completely surrender it to the Lord; take my hands away and not think about how it might change or how things might be different. I can't hope for the future of this thing b/c in my mind and my heart I need to let it die in order to completely surrender it. It MUST go through the fire. If I hope for the future of this then I will be "shaping & molding" it verses allowing the Lord come in and TRULY do as He wishes. Even if it means that this thing won't exist when He is finished. That last thought is almost devastating to me-it impacts others, not just myself & that makes this process incredibly difficult.
The Lord told me to go back to what I believe-I know the very place, time & thing He is pointing to. I haven't done that quite yet, but when I do I am to ask myself the question: Do I believe God for these things, without my present circumstance & securities in place, Do I believe Him for them, unconditionally?? I wish that I cold say yes, but I'm realizing that I don't know if I fully trust the Lord. Aw-I can't believe this is an issue. . .
Just at the end of my dialogue with the Lord, a song came on. The words are, "You are God of the Heavens and God of the Earth; . . .You are God over what seems like happenstance, You are God over every circumstance. . ."
Will I lay it a on the altar, will I let it go, will I finally believe?
Monday, March 30, 2009
Disconnected??
I read Tori's post which made me feel like I wasn't out in no mans land. I have been feeling very dissconnected lately. Partly is my fault because I don't want to be around people and I don't want to let people see my hurt and my junk. I am allowing the Lord to plow up the ground and it's not pretty in the begining. I guess I just feel at times lost or on the outside. I know that it's not that way it just feels like it. I guess we all have wilderness times and times of feeling no engaged in what is going on around us. I guess partly I just wanted to check in and make sure that is what is happening. I want to make sure I am not leaving myself out in the open alone. I have been putting on my armor everyday and as things come up I pray for you all. So in that I know I am still connected. Just not feeling it at the moment.
Friday, March 27, 2009
Testing time
God's dreams for me are so big, more than I can imagine. and yet I am so incredibly excited by the idea of being allowed to step into the manifestation of these dreams. I so want to do my part to be ready & prepared to be available to God. Psalm 139:23-24 (my paraphrase) Search me and know me Lord, know my heart, try me (test me to Your approval), know my thoughts and worries, see if there is any wicked way (show me so I can turn from it) in me, and lead me in the way everlasting. Searching me is to show me who I am that is not lined up with You--the areas of my life that I have not faith in or conformed to Your character. Show me the wickedness in me. Put me through times of testing & trial so I can begin to understand and see these areas where I am not allowing You in. Show me where my heart really is and help me, through the trials, to line up more with You, so that I can follow You in the way, on the path, that You have designed for me.
It is humbling to realize that God desires to have each of us on His path and will search us and show us who we are if we will just allow Him to, if we will choose to let Him in and choose to let Him test our character so we can be conformed to Him. And He can fully use the gifts He has designed into each of us when we are fully committed to being conformed to His image, His character.
Lord, You are testing me and showing me who I am and areas of my life that are not conformed to You. It is not always easy or pleasant, pretty much never is, but I wouldn't miss it for the world. Continue to show me areas of my character that need refinement so I can be fully ready to do the work You have designed for me, can be fully conformed to Your character, Your image. Make me more like Jesus. Help "me" to decrease so YOU increase. I want nothing of "me" seen, only Your love & grace & mercy and character.
It is humbling to realize that God desires to have each of us on His path and will search us and show us who we are if we will just allow Him to, if we will choose to let Him in and choose to let Him test our character so we can be conformed to Him. And He can fully use the gifts He has designed into each of us when we are fully committed to being conformed to His image, His character.
Lord, You are testing me and showing me who I am and areas of my life that are not conformed to You. It is not always easy or pleasant, pretty much never is, but I wouldn't miss it for the world. Continue to show me areas of my character that need refinement so I can be fully ready to do the work You have designed for me, can be fully conformed to Your character, Your image. Make me more like Jesus. Help "me" to decrease so YOU increase. I want nothing of "me" seen, only Your love & grace & mercy and character.
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