Tori's Thoughts

Ok, I am engaging this process and a little nervous about it. I have felt drawn to fasting and often feel defeated because I'm not doing it "right"...I know there is no right or wrong, but that is how I've felt. I am engaging the Daniel Fast for the duration of Lent. It has weighed on my heart and mind since Kristi mentioned it on Wed night...maybe a clue?

The why: I really am drawn to something I read this week and very challenged by it. It is the Nov 25th devotional from My Utmost for His Highest and I include it here:

Natural human love expects something in return. But Paul is saying, "It doesn’t really matter to me whether you love me or not. I am willing to be completely destitute anyway; willing to be poverty-stricken, not just for your sakes, but also that I may be able to get you to God." "For you know the grace of our Lord Jesus Christ, that though He was rich, yet for your sakes He became poor . . ." ( 2 Corinthians 8:9 ). And Paul’s idea of service was the same as our Lord’s. He did not care how high the cost was to himself— he would gladly pay it. It was a joyful thing to Paul.
The institutional church’s idea of a ser
vant of God is not at all like Jesus Christ’s idea. His idea is that we serve Him by being the servants of others. Jesus Christ actually "out-socialized" the socialists. He said that in His kingdom the greatest one would be the servant of all (see Matthew 23:11 ). The real test of a saint is not one’s willingness to preach the gospel, but one’s willingness to do something like washing the disciples’ feet— that is, being willing to do those things that seem unimportant in human estimation but count as everything to God. It was Paul’s delight to spend his life for God’s interests in other people, and he did not care what it cost. But before we will serve, we stop to ponder our personal and financial concerns— "What if God wants me to go over there? And what about my salary? What is the climate like there? Who will take care of me? A person must consider all these things." All that is an indication that we have reservations about serving God. But the apostle Paul had no conditions or reservations. Paul focused his life on Jesus Christ’s idea of a New Testament saint; that is, not one who merely proclaims the gospel, but one who becomes broken bread and poured-out wine in the hands of Jesus Christ for the sake of others.

This last part in particular hit me. Am I willing to be broken bread and poured-out wine in the hands of Jesus Christ for the sake of others? Am I willing to be identified with (suffer like?) the crucifixtion of Jesus, giving up His life for others? Am I willing to serve with NO RESERVATIONS? I know I am called to DTS at YWAM, but I want to be fully prepared even now to be of service to God in each area of my life. I want to be fully engaged with no reservations. I know I have been moving toward that, but want to be fully sold-out and prepared to serve in whatever way, place, etc that God calls me to. I want breakthrough in the areas that I am hesitant or lack faith. One particular area is finances. I have faith that God will take care of the finances needed to attend the school, but I am concerned about where I am financially now and desire to be in line with God's desires for my finances. I want a better understanding and wisdom about how to be a good steward financially. And I desire to break free of the poverty mentality of "there is never enough". I know my Father "owns the cattle on a thousand hills", but I don't think I truly believe that He would sell those for me. Hopefully this makes sense.

Ok, this got really long, so sorry for that. Let me know where all the rest of you are and I will be agreeing with you and lifting you up. I love this community of believers and love how God is bringing us all to a similar place. I'm loving watching Him work in our lives!
Love you all,
Tori