Becoming...

Emotionalism- I am just contemplating...

When I first realized a real, live relationship with the Lord existed between He & I, He met me right where I was at. He spoke my language! He knew me well enough to know what would get my attention and would cause me to respond to Him. A huge part of that for me was the HUGELY emotional "feelings" I would experience-the "warm & fuzzies" only they were INTENSE! In my spiritual immaturity I was radical (nothing wrong with that in a sense) but in my 'radicalism' I now realize that many, many times, I sought the feelings, the intense warm and fuzzies, I sought the experience and not the Lord's face or what was important to Him, I didn't take seriously what was on His heart-I just wanted my "fix." On the other hand, they did serve the purpose in one way, of making God very real to me. They also created a desire in me to want to keep looking for Him, to find Him out and to be near to Him.
I've entered into a fast-I'm on day 10 of 42 and I've wondered a bit about the "lack of" emotional intensity. I’ve wondered if maybe I haven’t been doing what I am “supposed” to be doing. I am a bit more zeroed in, noticing my prayers are more focused, purposeful, warrior -like, but I've not experienced the intense "feeling" that I'm accustomed to. It has been a gradual 'entering into the midst of His presence' on a new level.
I started contemplating this yesterday and this morning I got a clear sense that I don't "need" that anymore to know my Lord, to trust Him, to KNOW he is everything. I do enjoy those times though! I love those feelings! Who wouldn't?? But as I was thinking about it, I thought of how a relationship begins between a man & a woman. At the beginning it’s all attraction & emotion (not always, just speaking in general) and through time the relationship constantly changes, you grow together and your relationship doesn't depend on the raw emotions & attraction, it is built on love, trust, security, grace, joy, faith, hope. Things that are steadfast. Those first years, for me, it was as if the Lord was romancing me. Now, there are such sweet times when I experience that, but I want the more with it-the security, the peace, the cleft in the rock that I know will always be there, the joy, the faith, hope. I think I'm entering into a time where my relationship with the Lord is going to go to change and it won't be the same. As I am writing this, that thought is scary to me, but also exciting. The stages: the attraction, the love interest, the girlfriend, the fiancée, the bride, the beloved wife...this all feels so raw. I don't know what to expect and I don't know if I know how to engage.