My first Blog aren't we so proud LOL

As I started this and the fast was explained I wanted to do it but not to just jump on that band wagon. I wanted to do it because this was what the Lord was calling me to. I thought about what I wanted from him and really off and on lately I had been fasting on my own. But this seemed like it was going to be something significant. I wanted some clarity and some direction. Some peace and to just draw closer to him. I woke up one morning and it was like today we start. Ok Lord here we go. I think that was two weeks ago now. From Sun up to Sun down. So I did and at first I thought I was doing it for you guys because when Kristi first told us about all this I heard 21 days. I thought but they are all doing it for 40 so are you sure?? I heard it again 21 days before Easter. I was ok with that but the next morning it was like today we fast. So in my mind that meant I was fasting for you guys. Silly silly me. The Lord has been real clear on my journey and how I am to do this. Before I even read the food list for the Daniel fast I heard the lord say no meat for the 21 days. He said fruits and veggies. I asked if I needed to follow the Daniel fast and he said no just no meat. Then on the last three days before Easter I am to do a total fast. Which is going to require me to be totally into what he is doing in order for me to do it.

The Lord has already been faithful and shown me a lot about the relationship I was in. And he has been telling me for a while he is calling me to discover somethings. I have to learn how to love better and not so much other people but myself. I give so much and I really hate being selfish. I was brought up and told all my life I was selfish that doing things I wanted to do was selfish. That others are to come before me always and I am not to say no. I need to think of others feelings above my own. Really what I want is being selfish. To want things is self-centered. God doesn't call us to be happy he calls us to be obedient. He calls us to give our lives for others. This is what I was taught growing up. I am not to worry about myself. This isn't totally wrong but the way I was taught it was like I shouldn't matter. I have no boundaries and I have no clue how to use them or how to see when someone has crossed it until I am so hurt and angry I have no choice but to see. As Denisha said I am a woman who loves to much.

I am thankful to the Lord and what he is teaching me. Today I was reminded of two story's one was the man who wanted to join Jesus and he asked what he should do. The Lord told him to go sell all he had and come follow him. The man couldn't do it. That is about where his heart was. Looking at that I have to think about where is my heart? When things come up I think that is the question God is asking me. Then I thought about Abraham when God asked him to give up his son. He was testing his heart in that. He really didn't want him to kill his son. He wanted his heart. I think with this fast for me God is asking do you trust me. With every step I have to take with this. Where is your heart is it really for me?? We say a lot how we want more of the Lord and every time we want more it means it will cost us more. So this big fast is a price to pay and I can say my heart is in it. I am all in.